Adventures of The Yellow Peril

MAYBE I'LL HAVE HOT BABIES WITH YOU

A childhood buddy of mine found out earlier this week that she's the second hottest woman in America.  As a kid, I remember Monica doing pageants, but it was the same way anyone else did after-school activities.  Some kids played soccer, some like to prance around with tiaras on their heads.  Me, I was usually taping the bridge on my glasses.  C'est la vie.

Monica's win also goes to reaffirm my belief that white people who have children with Asians produce wickedly awesome progeny.  You get our smarts, we get your height.  Everyone wins.

Or comes in second.  Whatever.  You know what I mean.

AND THE 2006 ICK AWARD GOES TO...

The time when we were eating dinner, and my dad used the word "condom" in a sentence.

Twice.

DRINKIN' WITH THE SISTERS

"Big John's is a total dive.  Just going in there will make you feel dirty."

"Is that a confederate flag tacked to the ceiling?"

"I guess it's okay, since they've got a British one right next to it."

"Oh."

"Dude, that guy's friend looks like she's forty."

"She's your age."

"Fat people make me sad.  Sometimes angry, but mostly sad."

"Dollar Pabst.  Can't beat that."

"This two-dollar vodka seabreeze tastes like it could take the tar off my tires."

"I'm done with my beers."

(immediately after the last statement) "Let's go."

THANKSGIVING IS AWESOME

I have a couple of pictures to post from Thanksgiving Feast 1 (MR, T, RC, JF, ES, and, of course, the poodle GB) and also from Thanksgiving Feast 2 (brined AND deep-fried turkey, 379-pound man named Robert, heartfelt discussion about "The Biggest Loser"), but I left my camera at home by accident, so no photos.  You'll just have to imagine:

turkey brined in apple cider

cranberry compote in a pineapple boat

andouille sausage, walnut & apple dressing

spiced sweet potato pudding with creme fraiche

flourless chocolate tart

pumpkin pie with hand-whipped cream

Also, I hand-rolled some chocolate truffles with the sister this weekend.  Suck on that, Food Network.

MY L'IL SIS = BFF

Hey, remember that time that we went to the mall and got all that great stuff on sale at American Eagle?  And then how we went to Claire's, and I dared you to pierce your ears, and you dared me to re-pierce mine, and then we both giggled because we knew how mad Mom would be?

I can't believe we drew such a big audience just over ear piercings, like that family of four kids (ages 13, 11, and some younger ones of indiscernable age).  And then, when those three totally cute 14-year-old boys came in, I thought you were going to die of embarrassment.  I can't believe that preppy kid told us that his grandma called him a "fag" at Thanksgiving dinner.  Who does that?

Hahahaha.  That day was, like, super fun. 

Oh yeah, that was 2 days ago.

IF YOU'RE NICE, THEY'LL SALSA FOR YOU, TOO

Don't ever, ever try to sell me on some argument that your family is somehow kookier than mine.

My cousin Bubb Rubb and his daughter Rayna are in town this week, visiting from Tokyo.  I'm calling him Bubb Rubb because this morning, before I was allowed to go to work, he made me watch the video of this guy.  Afterwards, he and his 3 1/2 year old daughter decided to yell "Woooo woooo, woooo woooo" for a good 5 minutes before heading downstairs for breakfast. 

Secondly, my pop's gained 20 lbs. in the past year and a half or so.  My mom's put him on a strict regimen consisting of daily exercise and persistent nagging, but because of this, they can't exercise outdoors.

Not to be deterred, last night, my sister took a photo of them doing this:

They're shagging, which is the state dance of South Carolina.  And no, I don't find the fact that we call it the "shag" all that funny.  I don't give you crap for being named "Randy," do I?  Yeah, so leave my state alone.

WORN OUT

I'm back in Charleston for a few days, and I'm so tired that I can't hear out of my left ear.

My friends were supposed to come to visit because they're busy, and I really shouldn't go to Atlanta because I need to write a paper that's overdue already.  Plus, there's the tired-deaf thing. 

My dad, however, was so excited about my friends visiting that he 1) took the day off to cook; 2) bought mangoes for Meghann because he knows she likes them; and 3) asked his co-worker to bring him some DVDs that he thought 26-year-olds would like.

The selection?  A 3-DVD collection of Sanford and Son, Barbershop 2, Mystic River, Daddy Day Care, The Fighting Temptations, and Gothika.

I'm going with Daddy Day Care.  I mean, my dad's already had enough disappointment today (we also walked down to the dock after dinner to check the crab trap; we didn't find any crabs, and the wind picked up the extra bait we brought and blew it into the river).  I don't have the heart to tell him that I know of no 26-year-olds who watch Sanford and Sons.

I mean, it would be different if it were Wings or Who's the Boss.  Right?  Right?

NO TIME

Sorry about the light blogging these days, but judging from the lack of comments, no one's really missing me all that much.

My sister is in town this week, so I've been going full speed in touring Austin.  I'll post more during my spring break, which starts next week.

Until then, think about this: the flagship Whole Foods in Austin (which is also their corporate headquarters) has 1000 parking spaces, 1 city park, 18 flavors of gelato, 150 types of seafood, 5 eat-in dineries, and one really, really amazed Asian girl from South Carolina wandering the aisles at the pace of a turtle. 

Will I ever leave Austin again?  Probably not.

CALLIN' IT

I don't know.  Maybe it's because it's the holidays.  Maybe it's because I'm bored, and so I'm paying more attention to inane detail.  Or maybe my three-day overeating illness gave me the psychic ability to call shit.

You heard me.  Lately, I have been able to make accurate predictions like it's my job.  For example:

1.  Matlock plot. 
One summer, many moons ago, my sisters and I would watch daytime "Matlock" reruns like it was the best show on television.  Call it the "Wings" of my youth, if you will (which, by the way, has been showing on the TVLand channel and has seriously inhibited my ability to accomplish anything over the course of the day).  A couple of days after Christmas, the Hallmark channel (yes, I know) was showing an episode while my sisters and I were lounging around, so we decided to watch it.  We were making fun of the show, and I was pointing out the obvious inaccuracies that I could see based on my illustrious legal education, such as "Lawyers don't ALL wear light gray suits," "They don't have hot dog stands in courthouses," and "I've never met a deputy named Clive."   The plot spoke to us as fellow Asians: a Vietnamese man with a Amerasian stepson was being harassed in a non-Asian friendly fishing village when he murdered the village's bully and resident racist.  No joke -- Matlock was very aware of cultural tensions, even in the late-80s/early-90s.   

My sisters and I were having a good time making fun of the show and our weird youthful obsession with it when, halfway through the episode, I stood up, pointed at Amy, and said, "It was the prosecutor who murdered the a-hole bigot on his boat.  And it's the prosecutor who's the real father of the Amerasian boy!!!"   

I don't think I need to go any further except to say -- I was right.

2.  Nuts
Angel and I were at Target the other day, and I had originally wanted to get her boyfriend a kitchen torch for Christmas but wasn't able to find one in my price range (under $4.00).  I decided to root through their clearance aisle for something that would say, "Hey man, I don't really want to spend money on you, but you brought me a scarf from Scotland so now I'm obligated to."  I settled on a bowl of mixed nuts (he loves nuts), complete with a nutcracker.  Angel was wary about me buying it.  It was marked 50% off, so I examined the nuts carefully (as is my style) and proclaimed that I couldn't be more than $4.00.

The price of Brad's Christmas gift?  $3.99.

3.  SNOOOOOOP!
My roommates and I received a bottle of Moet & Chandon for Christmas, per the new Snoop song, "Drop it Like It's Hot."  It's my favorite guilty pleasure lately, and Amy mocked me when I came home from Christmas singing the slide whistle part of the song.  I say that part of the song sounds like the word "Snooooooooop," but Amy said that I was wrong. 

Well, this morning on some show on Comedy Central, Snoop was performing "Drop it Like It's Hot," and when it got to that part, he yelled, "What's my name?!!" to which hundreds of fans replied, "SNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"

I mean, really, could even David Copperfield or G.O.B. (from 'Arrested Development') do anything so amazing? 

I'm available for parties and corporate events, by the way.

RAYNA!

Departing from my usual debaucherous pics...

Here's my 1st cousin, once-removed (the daughter of my older cousin Bob), celebrating her 3rd birthday.  It's on Christmas Eve, and the debate is ongoing as to whether or not this is good (as in double the presents) or bad (as in half the presents). 

To support my argument that having a birthday on Christmas Eve totally scams her out of a legit b-day celebration, I provide this picture as evidence: she's unwrapping a birthday present that's been wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper.

And lastly, I love this picture because it shows Rayna's personality, which is pretty much consistent with the rest of my family: loud and crazy.   

Next time: pics of my new haircut, which make me look either like a young boy or a 1960s prom queen.