Adventures of The Yellow Peril

HONEST TO GOD

My youngest sister went camping in Tennessee this weekend, and she called tonight to relay this story.  Two relevant pieces of information: 1) she didn't really know the people she was camping with except for one guy; and 2) while my family camps on occasion, we're not extraordinarily outdoorsy people.  Because I was laughing too hard, the below excerpt isn't verbatim, but it's pretty close:

"Now, I'm all nervous during this trip about how I'm going to get along with all these people, because I'd heard they really love God, and not that there's anything wrong with that, but you know, I don't really know the guy.  Or Guy.  Whatever.  Except ... halfway through the night, I find out that most of the people on the trip are virgins, and then that pretty much freaks me out.  I mean, I've seen the movies, and I know what happens to virgins in the woods.  You might as well have strapped a T-bone steak on my back and let the bears have at me."

I'm not saying she needs to quit her day job, but I'd pay for more funnies like this one.

Sorry if I offended anyone.

FIRST EVER GUEST SPOT

Because he won't shut up already about it otherwise, here's Chuff's response to my "Struggleville" post the other day:

Look, I refused to be disparaged on this website. Yes, I should be mentioned more often, but not in the flippant and disrespectful manner you have chosen. You see, every so often a man comes along in this world that not only inspires, but teaches those around him. A man that has the knowledge of 1000 Chinamen. Not just ordinary Chinamen, but the really smart ones that spend lots of time alone on mountain tops. Kind of like Mr. Miyagi. Though I think he was Japanese. A man that comes from where rainbows come from. And to you, whoever is reading this, that man is, well, that man is me. You see, I am a lawyer and a poet. I am a lover and a philosopher. My beauty can make a sunset cry with joy. I can speak in Braille. I have a personal relationship with the wind and have the ability to calm jittery squirrels. I have the passion of an immigrant. I am special. You are all going to love me. But back off guys, I’m not gay. I’m strictly here for the ladies. I have a tongue like an anteater. I am also talented. I invented a stick that you can hit sheep with. I have looked death in the face, told him a joke about Michael Jackson and R. Kelly running a daycare -- he let me go. I eat steak. I came up with New Coke (not everything I do is great). I’ve gotten aroused while eating a ham and cheese sandwich. So you see, the words of the Yellow Peril do not in any way describe me. I make awesome look easy. Soon you will know this for yourself.

So there you go, Chuff.  Enjoy your fifteen minutes. 

LITTLE THINGS

For the past five minutes, I struggled and struggled to open this tiny tin of cherry mints, and they just went flying all over my office. 

Also, last night, I think I stood next to a midget during my step aerobics class. 

Or maybe it was just because she's Asian.

Lemme get back to you on that.

CHUFF 'N STUFF

You've heard me talk about my friend Chuff and the havoc he wreaks on my life.  Well, here's another example:

Chuff has a friend fighting in Iraq whom I've become e-mail buddies with over the years, mainly because he has the same twisted sense of humor and doesn't seem to mind my inappropriate fear of midgets and Michael Jackson.  Anyway, he's stationed in Fallujah, and every time I see something happen over there, I worry about D.  I can't imagine what people's families are going through, because I've never even met D, and I worry about how he's doing.  Anyway, last Friday, this happened, and we haven't heard from D in awhile. 

Then Chuff called.  I was at work, so I didn't hear my phone ring.  Chuff always leaves a voice mail, but this time, he didn't.

So I panicked, and I called Chuff back right away. 

"Helllllo?"  he said, his voice hushed.  I panicked even more.

"Chuff?  What are you doing?  What's going on with D?"

"What?  Who?  Huh?  Oh, D?  I don't know."

"What?  Didn't you see the news?  8 Marines died today."

"Really?  No, D's fine."

I breathed a sigh of relief.  "Then what are you calling me about and not leaving a message for, you trick?"

Pause.  "It's the weirdest thing, and I'm kind of worried.  You know how when you eat asparagus, your pee smells really bad?  Well, mine smells like cream cheese, and I can't figure out why."

Apparently, I thought the sky was falling.

Oh yeah, and this morning, he e-mailed me this.  Be prepared to be creeped out.

I FEEL FOR YOU, MAN

Somebody just Googled "My sweat bleaches my shirts," and found my website.

IF I WERE A DUDE, THIS IS THE ONE I'D BE

Finally, someone has allayed my spring break boredom.  Myles alerted me to a website tonight, and I haven't stopped laughing.  Law geeks and relationship crazies, read the part about Miss Vermont.  Both of them give me hope that I will be doing something other than practicing law in 5 years' time, either through D-level celebritydom or self-righteous proselytizing. 

Who am I kidding?  In five years, I'll probably be wearing a furry mascot costume at Six Flags.  Drunk.

CONVERSATIONS

Me:  Happy 22nd birthday, sis!

Sister:  I feel really old.  The hairdresser found a gray hair the other day.

Me:  They've never found a gray hair on me.  I guess you don't have the gift of youthful vitality like me. 

Then I continue on a 10 minute long rant about how good I'm going to look when I'm 40.

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T:  How do you take crystal meth, anyway?

R:  I think you smoke it.

Me:  I think you're supposed to take it like a pill. 

Y:  Maybe you snort it?

T:  I thought you injected it.  If I had to, I'd inject into my toes.

Me:  You are so freakin' weird.

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(Based on a previous conversation where I pointed out that apparently the place white dudes take their Asian girlfriends on dates is the ghetto mini-golf place in south Austin)

TC:  Hey, did you know BV also went with her white boyfriend to Peter Pan mini-golf?

Me: Seriously, people!  As Asian women, we should expect more!  I mean, I'm having trouble deciding if it's because a) they're ashamed to be seen with us for fear of being labeled an "Asian fetishist," or b) they don't think we could handle any other sport.  It's called Badminton, people!

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TC:  You should go to this Cardio Dance class at the gym.  They teach you hip-hop and salsa.

Me:  Really?  I thought it might be cheesy, like making you do the electric slide. 

TA:  Dude, I like the electric slide!  It's one of my signature moves, along with the macarena.

Me:  Oh, TA.  You're such a white dude, just trying to make it in this world.

$533 POORER

You know what's not fun on a Wednesday morning?  Getting a crapload of cavities filled.

You know what's really not fun?  Realizing that your student "dental insurance" is just a "discount plan" and that you still have to pay a wad of cash.

Guess I'm not buying books this semester.

2004, RESOLVED

Last year, I posted a bunch of New Year's Resolutions that I swore would be manageable to accomplish.  I've been delaying posting my resolutions this year because it just didn't feel right to make new resolutions without assessing how well I'd managed to follow my resolutions from last year. 

However, I can't find my resolutions from last year, even though I posted them on my blog for all the world to see.  You loyal readers out there know that I moved my blog from my old site around April.  In the process, I never finished transferring all of my posts from the old site to the new site, but I thought I'd at least saved those posts on my hard drive.  Ooops.

Still, I'm going to try to piece together what I can remember from last year's resolutions, followed by an update:

Learn to like beans.  I have to admit that beans still aren't my favorite.  I'll eat refried beans, but it's still really hard to eat any other kind.  Basically, I still hate them.

Vacuum.  Solved.  I moved into a house with hardwood floors.

Don't date ugly.  I think there was some sort of dating resolution, and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with dating someone who was not unattractive.  Done.

Turn 25.  That apparently happens whether you resolve it to or not. 

Okay, that's all I can remember.  Because I don't plan on moving again, here are my resolutions for this year, and I plan on holding myself to them:

Fall less.  I seriously fall, bump, scrape, or cut myself at an average of once a week.  I'm not sure how to learn not to be a klutz, but if it can be done...

Wear pants.  Pretty self-explanatory.  This is a failure of mine.

Don't fail out of law school.  I would love to graduate.  Preferably with the grades I currently have, and not D's.  I would also like not to be kicked out for "indiscretionary behavior,"  but I suppose beggars can't be choosers. 

Stop being so melodramatic.  For example, see previous resolution.

Eat less.  Hahahaha.  Yeah, right.

Turn 25.  Because 26 just sounds so...old.

Again, I've set the bar pretty low on 2005, but I've found that failing to meet my own expectations does nothing for my self-esteem. 

I mean, hating beans after trying so hard to like them -- well, it really does a number on a girl's outlook on life.

RANDOM BITS OF MY DAY

Procrastination is a wonderful thing to do, so here's a couple of things I've done today.

First and foremost, can someone who reads Japanese tell me how I get my hands on this? I'll be needing it for a little Halloween Party shindig for later this month. Thanks.

Secondly, to share with you some more of the crazy that tends to ooze out of my ears, here are two e-mails I wrote today:

To: XXXXX
From: The Yellow Peril

You are receiving this e-mail because the Members of the Order have deemed you worthy.

You now have a secret key for you to use...Use it in good health and good will.

If we find any of the following items, your access to the key shall be revoked:

1) Used latex products of any kind;

2) Illegitimate children; or

3) Richard Simmons’ exercise tapes.

Please eat this e-mail upon receipt and digestion of this information. Do not print it out and eat it; just eat your screen. Immediately.

Goodbye.

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To: XXXX
From: The Yellow Peril
Re: RE: Thanks

In response to your e-mail thanking Derek for getting the flowers, I have two things to say.

First of all, Derek AND I went to go get the flowers, even though Derek paid. Haven’t you learned by now that he and I don’t do anything without the other one?

Secondly, those flowers really freaked me out. See, I have this huge phobia where I fear seeing small bumps close together. This is most clearly evidenced in basketballs, skin rashes, and pancake batter that is cooking on one side (but is still uncooked on the other). On Allyson’s flower arrangement, there were these ferns that had a series of small bumps. We think it might have been eggs laid by some bug, because they weren’t on every single fern leaf. It still makes my skin crawl to think that I carried these flowers back in the car and had to sit there looking at those bumps.

I just wanted to let you know that some of us are suffering personal consequences from these little tasks you assign us.

Shudderingly,

The Yellow Peril

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